I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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