i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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