I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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