I accidentally had phone sex last night
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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