btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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