What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am mentally ready for anal.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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