Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
