This girl is more easily done than said...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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