Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
