i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
