I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
