The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
