I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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