Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
