this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
