wanna go halves on a baby?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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