Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
