I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Randomize
