So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
