my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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