I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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