Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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