I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
