I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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