you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
