I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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