Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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