This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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