I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
