Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize