New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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