They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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