There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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