I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
