So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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