TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize