Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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