When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
its liver damage thursday
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