i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
