I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
