I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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