I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize