everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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