i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
