I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
