and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
