you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
