I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Drunk is a universal language darling
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
