I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
