Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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