in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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