he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
