Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
