It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
