Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
