So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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