no, he came in my armpit
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
