Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
