im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Damn victory sex feels great
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
