i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize