i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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