For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
