I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I won the penis lottery.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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