Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
