Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
