right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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