i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
