maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
